Drought

I was driving to a student leadership conference one Friday afternoon during "Storm Satan," only to find out that I was going to have have to drive BACK to the conference again the same day because I had left my luggage behind. I was not happy.

We had arrived latte and missed the start of the conference because of the crazy rain. . I was tired, there was a family emergency going on that I couldn't deal with because I had this work obligation, and my toddler was sick with some weird viral cold {which meant that I was next and he wasn't sleeping all that great}. 

I did not want to drive back home. I was thinking to myself, "Seriously. Just one more thing. I cannot deal with ANY MORE."

Maybe it was because I had to drive really slowly, but all of a sudden, I really started to appreciate the rain. I've missed it so much during the last 5 years. California has been so dry, but with all of this moisture, the air is so clear and the mountains are covered in snow and everything is so verdant- my eyes missed this explosion of color. 

My mind wandered to the last 2 years. 2015 brought a wonderful gift- David truly is a blessing- but having to watch my aunt lose her battle to colon cancer was painful, painful, painful. It still hurts every single damn day, and I'm waiting for relief from that hurt to come, almost a year and a half later. I remember thinking while sobbing during Christmas of 2015- ok... 2016 has to be better. 

Then my grandmother was diagnosed with lymphoma in May of 2016. 

Get knocked down 9 times, get up 10, right? We were really hopeful that she would come out of this fighting. She told me she had so much to live for! 

After her last chemo treatment, Grandma was admitted into ICU because her immune system was so compromised. Her entire 3 week ordeal, coupled with mini strokes (which are seriously confusing because she has no cardiovascular issues at all!) made returning home to live on her own unlikely. 

Its awful watching someone so powerful and strong and vibrant become so confused. We had to place my grandmother into memory care. 

Needless to say,the last two years have been difficult. I feel like I'm in a California level drought right now- every day is so difficult. Every day seems to be some new part of my life unraveling. Every day I hope and pray that I don't lose it, because most of the time, I'm a heartbeat away from breaking down.  

But just like California made it through this drought, I know with absolute certainty that my drought will end, too. I don't know when... So every day, I make myself get up, get dressed and try. I may not be the best, but I try so very, very hard. And really, that's all I can do. 

I just have to give myself grace. Its going to work out, eventually. Eventually  my life will even out. This will be a happier year because I'm going to make it so, by doing the things I can to brighten up the dark days.

We all go through rough patches- sometimes, they feel interminable. But it ends... I know it will end. And really- we all need a little rain to appreciate the rainbow after the storm.

Getting it all done

Work/life balance. Huh.

My coworker went to a workshop and sent me a picture of a slide that said "How do you achieve work/life balance?" I am in a season where I don't feel like that's possible. I work full time in a job that demands weekends and evenings, I have a toddler and a husband I like to see, a home to maintain,  I have to deal with being pregnant (eff you heartburn), and also, somehow, attempt to make time to do things for myself so I don't completely loose my mind

While I'm still struggling to come to peace with the fact that sometimes it's not all going to get done, as a lifelong perfectionist and a person who deals with anxiety (both social and general), I have found some ways to help me feel like I'm doing at least okay in managing so many different worlds.

Work: 

• Be as efficient as possible. I do not stop working the entire time I'm at school. If I have 5 free minutes, I'm grading, doing paperwork or prepping lessons or...you get the idea . I grab lunch and eat at my desk. Yes, I realize this isn't a recommended practice, but if I work through lunch, I can go home 30 minutes earlier
• Leave work at work. This is unusual for a teacher, but when I'm home, I don't want to grade or lesson plan. It helps that I've been doing this for 7 years so much of my curriculum is set except for adjustments, and also, I'm not an English teacher with stacks of papers to sort through.
• Schedule meetings and be productive. This seems like a duh statement, but a lot of meetings are a waste of time and oxygen.
• Keeping an organized work space, inbox, filing system and classroom makes life much less chaotic. I organize everything top to bottom every couple of days, because- students. Life. Stuff. You know.
• Find something to enjoy at work every day. I laugh every single day because a student says or does something completely ludicrous. 
• One master to do list, not having several different lists, keeps me focused and on track on what I need to accomplish each week. Post-its are good friends of mine. 

My current work to-do list. These are all major projects with very firm deadlines!

Home and Family:

• I have a housekeeper who comes every two weeks. Is it extravagant? Perhaps. Does Lucy help keep my house clean enough that I can spend that free time I do have with my kid instead of vacuuming under the couch and cleaning the bathtub? Yes. So, worth every penny. 
• Crock pot dinners.... while Jensen does most of the cooking, when he's away for work trips, this is the only way I can feed David and myself without getting takeout 
• I can't say this enough- I love my robot vacuum. bOBSweep for the win! I hate messy floors, so this is a sanity maintainer.
• Keep a diaper bag stocked 24/7. Never let it run out of diapers and wipes!
• Order as much as you can online, either for delivery or site to store pick up. While I love some Target time, it is more efficient to have someone else do the shopping for you. (Although I'll sometimes go to Target just to wander. I love Target...)
• Keeping David on a consistent schedule really, really helps us. I know this isn't for everyone, but for our family, the predictability prevents toddler meltdowns and keeps us on pace too  Plus, nap time. I STILL nap on the weekends when David does!
• Auto-schedule bills as much as possible. I hate last minute stress!
• Try to focus on the moment I'm in, instead of what's coming. I've had to shut off my Facebook account, this being one of the reasons pushing me to come to that decision. I was missing life because I was so plugged in to my phone. 
• I tidy the house every night after David goes to bed. Sometimes it takes 10 minutes, sometimes 30- but  those minutes save free time on the weekend. Plus, I hate clutter and it stresses me out.
• I should meal plan more- I'm working on it. I've heard it's a real life saver, though! 
• Using the Cozi app has helped Jensen and I know what's coming up on each other's schedules, we can share a grocery list, and we've also created a shared to-do list of places we'd like to visit. (It's a fun and motivating list to look through!!! #wanderlust) He's been travelling out of town a ton the past few months, and it's nice looking at our shared calendar and knowing what's coming up for both of us. 

 

David and I spent a rainy Sunday when Jensen was out of town at  the local Children's Museum. The cars were his favorite. Naturally. I cherish my weekends so much more now. 

Self: 

I'll get back to you on this. I know many women who say they don't feel like themselves after having a child, and I can't say this is true in my experience. However, I know that I put my self  low on the endless list of to-do's. For example, I can't remember the last time I went on a trip with just my friends.... 2010? I can't tell you the last time, when I was going through a really hard time, that I felt like I could call someone  and just vent, simply because it had been so long since I had talked to a girlfriend; I felt awkward imposing after such a long time. So, yes... this component of my life is in need of resuscitation. I sometimes feel like I'm drowning, and I'm finally figuring out what I need to do to come up for air.

So, work/life balance... a work in progress.

Xo,
Lindsay 

2017- focus on happy

I remember how, just a month ago, I was praying for 2016 to come to a quick, merciful end. I was tired of the election and afraid of what a Trump presidency would mean for our country and our world. I was tired of dealing with sadness after sadness that impacted our family. I was tired of trying to pay down the last bit of unsecured debt to my name.

Many, many people I know expressed that 2016 was just a tough year- in so many different ways. Perhaps an ugly, nasty election, filled with so much negativity, ego, hatred, and anger washed over me, and made me feel sour. I do know, as we approached November 8th, I felt bleak, and confusion about the country I live in. How could we paint our neighbors in such dark, menacing strokes? I didn't think America wasn't great- was I that naive? Finally, I reached a breaking point, and had to leave Facebook. (I'm still on a break with Facebook- it was simply too negative, and I'm afraid to invite that back into my life right now.)

 I got to ring in 2017 with my husband in my favorite place in the entire world- Paris. It was perfect... There's something about that city that makes me feel completely alive. As we celebrated with thousands of others on the Champs Elysee, looking up to the Arc de Triomphe, we watched fire works, and trees that line the boulevard were twinkling with blue and white lights. It was bitter cold for this California girl (28F was the high)... nevertheless, I felt a renewed sense of hope. Looking back, I cannot believe we went to such a crowded place on such a busy night (the terror attacks in Paris that happened a little over a year ago come to mind), I felt completely safe. I'm guessing that others around me felt the same sense of relief to welcome a fresh start

Paris has a Ferris wheel overlooking their river, too, London!

 Cell phone camera doesn't do it justice

Place de la Concorde fountain- frozen

I missed my darling boy so much when I was gone, but I know this trip was exactly what I needed to do a serious reset and prepare myself for the year with a renewed mindset and definitive goals

Despite the fact that I'm feeling extreme trepidation over a Trump presidency [after going to a foreign country, you can't help but be reminded that isolationism isn't the solution to our problems or anyone else's], I know that I need to work on finding things that make me happy. I keep myself busy (I hate that word) with work and taking care of our home, but that isn't... renewing.

I've decided that being creative needs to be a focus- hence, I'm going to commit to writing once or twice a week like I used to in college. I'm also going to be crafting more. Believe it or not, I actually really like sewing. I'm not particularly skilled, but I could certainly become better. And I'm going to actually make those damn crafts and recipes that are on my Pinterest boards- like I did below.

I made some Valentine's decor. Notice the truck parking lot below #boymom

I am also going to buy Rosetta Stone and learn rudimentary French. I'm tired of being embarrassed by my monolingual-ism, so it's time to stretch myself and really try. 

I wish I could add horseback riding to this list, but I'm simply too pregnant to pick it up again- I'm so not in shape enough to add it back in. (Although I'm going to try in 2018). 

So... yes, 2017 is filled with potential. I certainly cannot control many things, but I can control doing things that bring me joy, even in challenging times. 

Cheers to 2017!!!!!!!