Drought

I was driving to a student leadership conference one Friday afternoon during "Storm Satan," only to find out that I was going to have have to drive BACK to the conference again the same day because I had left my luggage behind. I was not happy.

We had arrived latte and missed the start of the conference because of the crazy rain. . I was tired, there was a family emergency going on that I couldn't deal with because I had this work obligation, and my toddler was sick with some weird viral cold {which meant that I was next and he wasn't sleeping all that great}. 

I did not want to drive back home. I was thinking to myself, "Seriously. Just one more thing. I cannot deal with ANY MORE."

Maybe it was because I had to drive really slowly, but all of a sudden, I really started to appreciate the rain. I've missed it so much during the last 5 years. California has been so dry, but with all of this moisture, the air is so clear and the mountains are covered in snow and everything is so verdant- my eyes missed this explosion of color. 

My mind wandered to the last 2 years. 2015 brought a wonderful gift- David truly is a blessing- but having to watch my aunt lose her battle to colon cancer was painful, painful, painful. It still hurts every single damn day, and I'm waiting for relief from that hurt to come, almost a year and a half later. I remember thinking while sobbing during Christmas of 2015- ok... 2016 has to be better. 

Then my grandmother was diagnosed with lymphoma in May of 2016. 

Get knocked down 9 times, get up 10, right? We were really hopeful that she would come out of this fighting. She told me she had so much to live for! 

After her last chemo treatment, Grandma was admitted into ICU because her immune system was so compromised. Her entire 3 week ordeal, coupled with mini strokes (which are seriously confusing because she has no cardiovascular issues at all!) made returning home to live on her own unlikely. 

Its awful watching someone so powerful and strong and vibrant become so confused. We had to place my grandmother into memory care. 

Needless to say,the last two years have been difficult. I feel like I'm in a California level drought right now- every day is so difficult. Every day seems to be some new part of my life unraveling. Every day I hope and pray that I don't lose it, because most of the time, I'm a heartbeat away from breaking down.  

But just like California made it through this drought, I know with absolute certainty that my drought will end, too. I don't know when... So every day, I make myself get up, get dressed and try. I may not be the best, but I try so very, very hard. And really, that's all I can do. 

I just have to give myself grace. Its going to work out, eventually. Eventually  my life will even out. This will be a happier year because I'm going to make it so, by doing the things I can to brighten up the dark days.

We all go through rough patches- sometimes, they feel interminable. But it ends... I know it will end. And really- we all need a little rain to appreciate the rainbow after the storm.

Currently in my handbag

I miss the days when I didn't have to switch between a diaper bag and a purse. Don't get me wrong- I love my diaper bag , but it does feel a bit... mom-ish. (I do see this bag transitioning into a great gym bag or travel bag someday, however... all the pockets!)



I've figured out how to make changing bags quick, easy and painless because, like a Girl Scout, I like to be prepared and have what I need on hand as much as possible. I only have to move 3 items total, because I've compartmentalized all of my things into smaller bags that are easy to grab and go.

I have my favorite wallet in the whole wide world, my Hobo Lauren wallet (the color I've linked is similar, because mine is so old.) I remember years back a girlfriend RAVED about "her Hobo," and I was mystified for two reasons. 1: It's pricey! and 2. It's a wallet! I finally decided to bite the bullet about 4 years ago, and I'm never going back. The leather is gorgeous, the quality is top notch, it holds up so well... frankly, I think it keeps on getting better and better as it ages. This thing holds it all- seriously. I've even used it as a clutch before. It's perfect.

I found this shop on Etsy sometime ago, and I love her fabric choices. I would buy all the things if I had a need for it! In this bag I keep some of my beauty tried and trues:

• Neutrogena Norwegian Formula Hand Cream absorbs quickly and it works. And- its less than $4
• Burt's Bees lip balm in Hibiscus- quick swipe for color
• Medela lanolin for my cuticles. Seriously, nothing works better
• Bobby pins and hair ties #mombunlyfe
• MAC lipstick in Syrup. I love lipstick, but I have a special affinity for MAC colors. This one is the perfect everyday shade. If want something a little brighter, I've been grabbing Lustering. 
• ColorScience Sunforgettable Brush-On Sunscreen SPF 50 (they also make an SPF 30 version). I'm an SPF fanatic (although my wrinkles and melasma say otherwise). I go through at least 3 tubes of this a year [and they do offer a special 3 pack with additional savings.] I can't recommend this one enough. Seriously- if you do nothing else for your skin, do SPF! 

My current handbag is a second-hand bag I bought in college while I worked at a shoe repair shop. It's a brand called Tano. The long story short behind this bag is that I asked my mom to take it somewhere to get fixed and//or find new buckles for it (it had issues with the strap buckles) and she then LOST it. Well, 7 years later [yup, 7 years], she found it, and I took it in to get fixed. It;s like a brand new bag, and I love it! :)

The bag's first foray out in public after a long hiatus... getting a 24 week pregnancy glucose test (at 26 weeks along...)

Anything you think I should add? Are you a minimalist, or a maximalist like myself when it comes to your purse?

Xo,

Lindsay 

Define "Success"

During university, I was obsessed with being the best at everything I dabbled in. I was going to be the best runner. (Fail.) I wanted to have the best fashion blog (believe it or not, there are 250 posts I have saved as a draft on my landing page from Reine Rose's previous iteration!  But I never got more than a dozen or so followers, and the dream died. ) I wanted to be the best student (I actually did get this one, and I have a plaque to prove it, little that it matters now in the adult world.) I wanted to be the best dressed (that never happened- you should meet some of my sorority sisters!) I wanted to be fit and thin (but pint night and late night runs to Chilie Peppers were major obstacles that set me up for failure.) I just never really achieved the success I thought I wanted. 

My January/February Work To-Do list... FINISHED

Then I started my career, and I was determined to be named Outstanding Young Agriculture Teacher in the state of California. I had a seven year window in which to make it happen, and dammit, it was going to happen. 

I slowly learned, though, that chasing success like this just isn't my style, and I'm finally embracing this about myself.  

I am not saying I'm not a good ag teacher. I work really hard, and I try to give students opportunities through a program I believe in, very, very deeply. But I have learned that in order to earn this prestigious award,  I'd have to give up some things that mattered a lot to me- and I just wasn't willing to make that sacrifice. Events in the last few years have taught me that my life passed me by when I was chasing a kind of victory I wasn't even sure I wanted anymore. 

In many ways, I'm not conventionally successful in my career. I don't have judging teams with silver bowls, no students who have earned national recognition for their speaking skills, no state or regional officers. These are truly wonderful accomplishments that can change a student's life for the better, and I have the utmost respect for those who can make these incredible things happen for kids....  But that's not necessarily how I define success for myself or my career today. I have students who have found their dream career in my classroom. I have students who overcame their tremendous fear of public speaking and managed to give a beautifully memorized and presented prepared speech. I've had students earn recognition for their hard work that would normally go unnoticed. I've seen students who think they couldn't pass a science class earn a C, and jump with joy. I think these are all successes, and I know that students' lives are better for it. 

I guess this is a long way of saying that YOU, and only you, can define what success means for you. Maybe you won't settle for being less than the absolute best- and if that's what you want, I have no doubt that you can achieve it. And it's positively okay if your definition of success changes- mine certainly has. We're each on our journey, and you can't judge someone else because you haven't walked their path. 

I do know this, with unwavering certainty- you can achieve success (however you define it) when you put your mind to it and if you do your absolute best

I have. One example of that is right here.

Getting it all done

Work/life balance. Huh.

My coworker went to a workshop and sent me a picture of a slide that said "How do you achieve work/life balance?" I am in a season where I don't feel like that's possible. I work full time in a job that demands weekends and evenings, I have a toddler and a husband I like to see, a home to maintain,  I have to deal with being pregnant (eff you heartburn), and also, somehow, attempt to make time to do things for myself so I don't completely loose my mind

While I'm still struggling to come to peace with the fact that sometimes it's not all going to get done, as a lifelong perfectionist and a person who deals with anxiety (both social and general), I have found some ways to help me feel like I'm doing at least okay in managing so many different worlds.

Work: 

• Be as efficient as possible. I do not stop working the entire time I'm at school. If I have 5 free minutes, I'm grading, doing paperwork or prepping lessons or...you get the idea . I grab lunch and eat at my desk. Yes, I realize this isn't a recommended practice, but if I work through lunch, I can go home 30 minutes earlier
• Leave work at work. This is unusual for a teacher, but when I'm home, I don't want to grade or lesson plan. It helps that I've been doing this for 7 years so much of my curriculum is set except for adjustments, and also, I'm not an English teacher with stacks of papers to sort through.
• Schedule meetings and be productive. This seems like a duh statement, but a lot of meetings are a waste of time and oxygen.
• Keeping an organized work space, inbox, filing system and classroom makes life much less chaotic. I organize everything top to bottom every couple of days, because- students. Life. Stuff. You know.
• Find something to enjoy at work every day. I laugh every single day because a student says or does something completely ludicrous. 
• One master to do list, not having several different lists, keeps me focused and on track on what I need to accomplish each week. Post-its are good friends of mine. 

My current work to-do list. These are all major projects with very firm deadlines!

Home and Family:

• I have a housekeeper who comes every two weeks. Is it extravagant? Perhaps. Does Lucy help keep my house clean enough that I can spend that free time I do have with my kid instead of vacuuming under the couch and cleaning the bathtub? Yes. So, worth every penny. 
• Crock pot dinners.... while Jensen does most of the cooking, when he's away for work trips, this is the only way I can feed David and myself without getting takeout 
• I can't say this enough- I love my robot vacuum. bOBSweep for the win! I hate messy floors, so this is a sanity maintainer.
• Keep a diaper bag stocked 24/7. Never let it run out of diapers and wipes!
• Order as much as you can online, either for delivery or site to store pick up. While I love some Target time, it is more efficient to have someone else do the shopping for you. (Although I'll sometimes go to Target just to wander. I love Target...)
• Keeping David on a consistent schedule really, really helps us. I know this isn't for everyone, but for our family, the predictability prevents toddler meltdowns and keeps us on pace too  Plus, nap time. I STILL nap on the weekends when David does!
• Auto-schedule bills as much as possible. I hate last minute stress!
• Try to focus on the moment I'm in, instead of what's coming. I've had to shut off my Facebook account, this being one of the reasons pushing me to come to that decision. I was missing life because I was so plugged in to my phone. 
• I tidy the house every night after David goes to bed. Sometimes it takes 10 minutes, sometimes 30- but  those minutes save free time on the weekend. Plus, I hate clutter and it stresses me out.
• I should meal plan more- I'm working on it. I've heard it's a real life saver, though! 
• Using the Cozi app has helped Jensen and I know what's coming up on each other's schedules, we can share a grocery list, and we've also created a shared to-do list of places we'd like to visit. (It's a fun and motivating list to look through!!! #wanderlust) He's been travelling out of town a ton the past few months, and it's nice looking at our shared calendar and knowing what's coming up for both of us. 

 

David and I spent a rainy Sunday when Jensen was out of town at  the local Children's Museum. The cars were his favorite. Naturally. I cherish my weekends so much more now. 

Self: 

I'll get back to you on this. I know many women who say they don't feel like themselves after having a child, and I can't say this is true in my experience. However, I know that I put my self  low on the endless list of to-do's. For example, I can't remember the last time I went on a trip with just my friends.... 2010? I can't tell you the last time, when I was going through a really hard time, that I felt like I could call someone  and just vent, simply because it had been so long since I had talked to a girlfriend; I felt awkward imposing after such a long time. So, yes... this component of my life is in need of resuscitation. I sometimes feel like I'm drowning, and I'm finally figuring out what I need to do to come up for air.

So, work/life balance... a work in progress.

Xo,
Lindsay 

Currently reading- January 2017

I love reading- when I was in junior high and high school, it was the quickest way to escape my (sometimes pretty lonely and socially awkward) reality. [[[I'm not the only one who was this way, right? I look back at those pictures and cringe... those years were rough!]]]

When I went to college, I read a LOT. I read all (yes, all) the assigned texts, from dry text books about irrigation and ag business to William Wordsworth and Keats- I was that student. After graduation, I found myself unmotivated to read for fun. I was BUSY with a new job that took up a lot of time and a long distance relationship that took a lot of miles. [Don't worry, I married him, so it was worth it.]

It's only been in the past few years that I've been able to reignite that spark. I don't finish at nearly the same pace that I used to, but it's nice to be able to close out the rest of the world for a bit and experience something new. (Side note- is that what meditation is like? I should probably try it, but I really struggle with making my mind shut out the noise for an extended period of time.)

It felt apropos, with the start of the new year, to start with The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  My friend gave it to me in a Secret Santa exchange, and it was kismet. This blog is part of my resolution to focus on doing things that make me happy, so it was completely serendipitous that this quick read ended up on my nightstand.

Let me start by saying that I am not particularly unhappy- sure, there are things that really make me sad, but by far and away, I'm blessed. However, sometimes I spend so much time focusing on the grey clouds that I miss the blue skies above them, and this is what motivated Gretchen, as well. Could changing little things really make you that much happier?

What I appreciated most about this book is how completely organized Gretchen approached happiness. Organization is my love language, so this approach was in my wheel house. I love that she broke her focus on baby steps to make happiness a priority month by month- each month built on habits from before. Little incremental changes are so much easier to manage.

My take-aways:

1. Be you. Don't apologize for what you like. I cannot make myself like football, even if I tried. I need to own it, and just be Lindsay.
2. Focusing on your happiness isn't selfish (within reason); if you're happy, you spread it to others. [think about that Negative Nellie at work- just ugh.] You cannot give if your well is empty. 
3. Being mindful brings awareness, which in turn can lead to happiness. Appreciating moments really does bring joy.
4. Make time for what makes you happy. If you don't make time for it, it will not happen. I am living proof of this. 
5. Man... I really need to work on friendships. I am so lonely. This is definitely an area of growth!
6. Gratitude is key- appreciate what you have. Happy people acknowledge and enjoy what they have, even if they might want more. 
7. Challenge yourself to grow- growth brings joy. Doing things that make you uncomfortable in the short term can really build happiness in the long term. 
8. You choose to be happy (something I've believed for a long, long time- circumstances change, but your attitude can make all the difference)

Am I going to do a year long happiness project? No... I don't have the focus for that. The author acknowledges this, as well. She really encourages you to create a Happiness Project of your own, in your own iteration. 

Should you read this book? I feel like it was worthwhile, even if you consider yourself a positive, very happy person. Her research into the subject was fascinating, as was the different facets she focused on that helped her find more contentment. Can't we all use a little more joy in our lives? 

A photo that captures pure joy: 

May you be as happy as David at the park!!!!

Lessons I've learned

It's hard to believe that this sweet peanut...

David's monthly growth picture- 2 months old

...Is now this wild, brave little man who trotted down to the river this past weekend with no regard to whether his mama was following him or not

Fearless

You learn so much in that first experience with motherhood- and it's easy to forget what you learned because that little person keeps on moving forward- they certainly don't look back. However, as baby # 2's arrival gets closer and closer, I reflected on some of the hard lessons I overcame with David, and decided to create a list to remind myself [and maybe some other mamas out there].

Things I learned with David that I need to remember for baby #2...

1. Delay start- on the dishwasher and on the washing machine- is your friend
2. Don't bother boiling pacifiers or bottle parts. Again- the dishwasher is your friend
3. Your BobSweep vacuum will save you a lot of time
4. Frozen veggies may be the easy way out, but at least it's a veggie, and it does have a lot longer shelf life
5. Making your own baby food does not make you weird. Neither does using cloth diapers. You do you, boo 
6. Put a Shout ColorCatcher in every. single. load. of baby laundry
7. Give yourself grace
8. Breastfeeding is really hard work
9. Those stretch marks won't be so bad after awhile
10. Ask for help on occasion
11. Getting a facial after a really bad week can quickly change your perspective
12. Sleep whenever and wherever you can. Seriously.
13. A mom bun is not a bad hairstyle- crazy eyebrows, however, are.
14. Target Site-to-Store, Target RedCard, and the Cartwheel app. Nothing else to say here
15. Hold on to every single moment- the good, the bad, the downright terrible. It's not easy, and it seems to stretch on forever- but it doesn't. And the really bad days aren't so bad, in hindsight- they make you appreciate the good days even more, and they might even make you laugh when you look back
16. Wear lipstick
17. Take a load of pictures. I promised myself David would have photos of his childhood, because I don't.
18. Sushi and wine are really good for the soul- especially after 10 months of longing and craving.
19. If you're feeling really sad or anxious, you should absolutely see a counselor. No shame- those hormones are crazy
20. Laugh as much as possible. Life should be filled with joy, for you and for your babies. 

Anything you think I should add? 

Xo,

Lindsay

2017- focus on happy

I remember how, just a month ago, I was praying for 2016 to come to a quick, merciful end. I was tired of the election and afraid of what a Trump presidency would mean for our country and our world. I was tired of dealing with sadness after sadness that impacted our family. I was tired of trying to pay down the last bit of unsecured debt to my name.

Many, many people I know expressed that 2016 was just a tough year- in so many different ways. Perhaps an ugly, nasty election, filled with so much negativity, ego, hatred, and anger washed over me, and made me feel sour. I do know, as we approached November 8th, I felt bleak, and confusion about the country I live in. How could we paint our neighbors in such dark, menacing strokes? I didn't think America wasn't great- was I that naive? Finally, I reached a breaking point, and had to leave Facebook. (I'm still on a break with Facebook- it was simply too negative, and I'm afraid to invite that back into my life right now.)

 I got to ring in 2017 with my husband in my favorite place in the entire world- Paris. It was perfect... There's something about that city that makes me feel completely alive. As we celebrated with thousands of others on the Champs Elysee, looking up to the Arc de Triomphe, we watched fire works, and trees that line the boulevard were twinkling with blue and white lights. It was bitter cold for this California girl (28F was the high)... nevertheless, I felt a renewed sense of hope. Looking back, I cannot believe we went to such a crowded place on such a busy night (the terror attacks in Paris that happened a little over a year ago come to mind), I felt completely safe. I'm guessing that others around me felt the same sense of relief to welcome a fresh start

Paris has a Ferris wheel overlooking their river, too, London!

 Cell phone camera doesn't do it justice

Place de la Concorde fountain- frozen

I missed my darling boy so much when I was gone, but I know this trip was exactly what I needed to do a serious reset and prepare myself for the year with a renewed mindset and definitive goals

Despite the fact that I'm feeling extreme trepidation over a Trump presidency [after going to a foreign country, you can't help but be reminded that isolationism isn't the solution to our problems or anyone else's], I know that I need to work on finding things that make me happy. I keep myself busy (I hate that word) with work and taking care of our home, but that isn't... renewing.

I've decided that being creative needs to be a focus- hence, I'm going to commit to writing once or twice a week like I used to in college. I'm also going to be crafting more. Believe it or not, I actually really like sewing. I'm not particularly skilled, but I could certainly become better. And I'm going to actually make those damn crafts and recipes that are on my Pinterest boards- like I did below.

I made some Valentine's decor. Notice the truck parking lot below #boymom

I am also going to buy Rosetta Stone and learn rudimentary French. I'm tired of being embarrassed by my monolingual-ism, so it's time to stretch myself and really try. 

I wish I could add horseback riding to this list, but I'm simply too pregnant to pick it up again- I'm so not in shape enough to add it back in. (Although I'm going to try in 2018). 

So... yes, 2017 is filled with potential. I certainly cannot control many things, but I can control doing things that bring me joy, even in challenging times. 

Cheers to 2017!!!!!!!