Drought

I was driving to a student leadership conference one Friday afternoon during "Storm Satan," only to find out that I was going to have have to drive BACK to the conference again the same day because I had left my luggage behind. I was not happy.

We had arrived latte and missed the start of the conference because of the crazy rain. . I was tired, there was a family emergency going on that I couldn't deal with because I had this work obligation, and my toddler was sick with some weird viral cold {which meant that I was next and he wasn't sleeping all that great}. 

I did not want to drive back home. I was thinking to myself, "Seriously. Just one more thing. I cannot deal with ANY MORE."

Maybe it was because I had to drive really slowly, but all of a sudden, I really started to appreciate the rain. I've missed it so much during the last 5 years. California has been so dry, but with all of this moisture, the air is so clear and the mountains are covered in snow and everything is so verdant- my eyes missed this explosion of color. 

My mind wandered to the last 2 years. 2015 brought a wonderful gift- David truly is a blessing- but having to watch my aunt lose her battle to colon cancer was painful, painful, painful. It still hurts every single damn day, and I'm waiting for relief from that hurt to come, almost a year and a half later. I remember thinking while sobbing during Christmas of 2015- ok... 2016 has to be better. 

Then my grandmother was diagnosed with lymphoma in May of 2016. 

Get knocked down 9 times, get up 10, right? We were really hopeful that she would come out of this fighting. She told me she had so much to live for! 

After her last chemo treatment, Grandma was admitted into ICU because her immune system was so compromised. Her entire 3 week ordeal, coupled with mini strokes (which are seriously confusing because she has no cardiovascular issues at all!) made returning home to live on her own unlikely. 

Its awful watching someone so powerful and strong and vibrant become so confused. We had to place my grandmother into memory care. 

Needless to say,the last two years have been difficult. I feel like I'm in a California level drought right now- every day is so difficult. Every day seems to be some new part of my life unraveling. Every day I hope and pray that I don't lose it, because most of the time, I'm a heartbeat away from breaking down.  

But just like California made it through this drought, I know with absolute certainty that my drought will end, too. I don't know when... So every day, I make myself get up, get dressed and try. I may not be the best, but I try so very, very hard. And really, that's all I can do. 

I just have to give myself grace. Its going to work out, eventually. Eventually  my life will even out. This will be a happier year because I'm going to make it so, by doing the things I can to brighten up the dark days.

We all go through rough patches- sometimes, they feel interminable. But it ends... I know it will end. And really- we all need a little rain to appreciate the rainbow after the storm.